Swimming pools: the ultimate status symbol. Or so one would suppose if you you live in the frost gorged nether reaches of our climatically challenged planet. The ugly truth at this weeks Mulholland Neighborhood Watch meeting, revealed a quite different picture.
Nestling, in the Santa Monica Mountains overlooking Mulholland Drive and the glittering vista that is Hollywood, lies Crimezine HQ, the one stop shop for the myriad gripes of West LA’s most embattled residents. The Mulholland Neighboorhod Watch.
The usual vociferous suspects were in attendance at this weeks meeting: Robert, ‘keep the noise down’ Crais, tut-tuting as usual about the volume of the Crimezine stereo system. Also in attendance #1 Lakers fan and neighborhood grouch, Jack Nicholson, complaining this week about the double parked jam of cars outside the Aniston residence.
One assumes this was due to the unusually high number of ‘gentlemen callers’ the screeching rom-commer has been entertaining lately, although the wraith-like Justin Theroux has been spotted shambling around the neighborhood, looking like a ragged trick or treater, so one presumes there is still hope for Mulholland’s love match of the year. Local cynics have suggested that Theroux is only dating Mulholland’s most famous female resident, so he can remind himself of his past glories in David ‘out of space’ Lynch’s 2001 art house flick Mulholland Drive.
Crimezine is skeptical, as one fingered typist Theroux has been tippy-tap-taping out the screenplay for upcoming movie Rock of Ages to help out the large team of experienced writers already assigned to the project. The sallow faced thesp’ was unavailable for comment, but local gossip mongers should be aware that the actor has been ‘busy’ staring in such cinematic classics as Zoolander and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. So there.
Still, the swimming pool problem has been the most pressing one on Mulholland Drive this week.
Of course, actually swimming in ones pool is so unmentionably vulgar and passé that almost no one does it in Los Angeles these days, unless they have fallen into it, in a state of abject drunkeness, or they are an out of towner, looking to hide their ghastly and inappropriate choice of poolside attire.
Crimezine uses it’s swimming pool to collect garbage, broken shopping carts and dead animals, that would other wise make the neighborhood untidy. A service that has earned frequent plaudits at Neighborhood Watch meetings. In recent weeks however, a disturbing number of booze addled starlets have been crashing their overpriced automobiles into the deep end of our pool.
We assumed that once Lindsay Lohan was safely ensconced in her new job at LA County Morgue, the high speed antics on Mulholland would cease. How wrong we were. This week alone we have craned out two Porsches, a Maserati and a Mercedes SL550. While we approve whole heartedly of overpriced super car ownership by West Hollywood’s most gormless teenagers, Crimezine would respectfully like to remind residents that the speed limit on Mulholland is 35mph. So keep the speed down bucko, and the noise too.
Contact Mulholland Neighborhood watch at email@example.com