Greetings Crimeziners! Never mess with the Germans. They will burn your country to the ground Jack. Those Krauts
might make nice beer and a delicious selection of gourmet Deli meats, but when it comes to war, they know only one kind: All Out. No surprise then, that pyromanical pain in the posterior Harry Burkhart, arrested recently for the Blitz on Hollywood, turns out to be of Krautish descent. Upset that his 53yr old Mom is being deported back to the Fatherland, on a raft of fraud charges, which she and Harry the Hun fled four years ago, young Harry decided that burning down Los Angeles might be a good way of drawing attention to the inequity of his mothers incarceration.
It has therefore been a puntastic week for the Mulholland media, with every German gag in the Third Reich big book of Krautish Komedy being employed in the battle against the Burkharts. Just one problem, The Burkharts are Chechen. According to The LA Times they are ‘thought to be of very distant German anscestry.’ Crimezine was most disappointed by this revelation. President of Chechenya, Ramzan Kadyrov, is a man as famous for his jovial good humor, as he is for sending death squads after anyone who happens to disagree with either him, or the wise and beneficent policies of his central Asian paradise. So Crimezine offers both him, and the people of Chechnya a hearty Ассаламу Iалайкум!
Fortunately, just when you thought that the Hollywood arson debacle couldn’t get any weirder, it turns out that pyromaniacal pain in the posterior Harry Burkhart’s mom is a Tantra Godess. You heard it right Crimeziners!
It would seem that the cheeky Chechen who fled Germany after charges of ‘stealing’ her own augmented breasts and swindling a succession of flop house landlords, is a fully fledged Tantra expert, who offers services that include:“full body hot oil body to body sliding massage” and “sensual tantric loving erotic touch in combination with deep tissue, incl. g-spot and hotspots massage.” Tempted? You may have to wait until the Burkharts get out of chokey. Until then you will have to salivate over their highly professional website, which can be found at the location below.