As Crimezine was enjoying a particularly refreshing three-fingered glass of breakfast Cognac by the pool this morning who should poke his head through the Ferrari sized hole in our electrified perimeter fence, but neighborhood curtain twitcher and crime-writing Uber-Mensch. Robert Keep the Noise downCrais.
Crais has been uncharacteristically chipper of late and today was no exception, as his latest Cole and Pike tome Taken is riding high in the Best Seller charts. Which is all very well, but the neighborhood watch hotline in Crimezine HQ has been ringing off the hook once again, with gruesome tales of death and dismemberment.
Worse still, Crimezine has heard disturbing reports that the #1best selling author has been heard “singing”the Ozzy Ozbourne “hit” Craisie Train, (going off the rails) as he runs up Mulholland Drive in his skin-tight lycra leisure wear, with his pack of slavering attack dogs in close formation around him.
Eyebrows have been well and truly raised in the neighborhood, let me tell you, why only the other day, neighborhood grouch Jack Nicholson [who’s eyebrows are permanently raised] complained to Crimezine that TV pooch whisperer Cesar Millan had moved into the neighborhood, and what the hell were we going to do about it?
It took a great dial of liaising with Mulholland community cop Sgt Lex Polański and other neighborhood poobahs such as irascible Lahorei Liquor store proprietor Pervez Parania, before Crimezine was able to establish that the shortsighted Chinatown star and #1 Lakers fan Nicholson, was in fact referring to Craisie-train Crais, panting up the hillside with his attendant pack of canine compadres.
Naturally Crimezine sympathized with the Witches of Eastwick star, over what must have been a very traumatic experience for a sensitive thesp’ of his advancing years.
Which brings us neatly back to the news that curtain twitcher Crais was so eager to impart. Apparently one of his dog walking chumettes became the unwitting recipient of an early Halloween gift the other day, when her proud pooch retrieved a human head from the bushes on the Bronson Canyon dog walking trail. Yikes!
Further investigation revealed matching hands and feet, though the location of the rest of the zombified coyote meat is still something of a mystery. The area is known locally as the Bat cave, due to it’s fleeting appearance in the Batman series. It is a spooky locale for sure and you certainly wouldn’t want to pay it a visit on a Dark Knight [geddit?].
According to LAPD the gruesome body parts belong to unfortunate former airline steward Hervey Medellin. Naturally a second Cognac was called for as Crimzine and Crais bravely watched Armando the Guatemalan pool boy crane out yet another wrecked car from the deep end of Crimezines swimming pool. It is quite literally Murder living on Mulholland Drive.