Confusion reins on Mulholland Drive Crimeziners and I think you can see why.
Cesar Milan doppelganger Robert Crais has been alarming members of the neighborhood watch community, by sprouting a for-goodness-sake-cut-it-off chin beard. The facial fungus has resulted in an exponential increase in Cesar Milan sightings in the neighborhood and the Crimezine neighborhood watch hotline has quite literally been ringing off the hook.
Regular Crimezine readers will no doubt know that Pooch fancier Crais is fond of pounding the Mulholland neighborhood in skin-tight lycra jogging gear accompanied by his giant pack of slavering attack dogs, an act that has caused raised pulses amongst many of the areas more elderly residents, including Octogenarian thesp’ Jack Nicholson.
Mr. Nicholson has, like many seniors, in the area got one eye firmly on local property values and has expressed grave concerns that a “glorified dog trainer” might have moved into the area without the approval of neighborhood nabobs. The Witches of Eastwick star was much placated when Crimezine assured him that Milan has, according to recently revealed court documents, a personal wealth in excess of $45 million. The One flew over the Cuckoo’s nest star did however point out that $45 million is veritable pocket change, when compared to the untold wealth of billionaire author Crais, who’s latest book Taken has been topping the Best-Seller lists for literally months on end.
Crimezine blames Michael Connelly of course, who’s all pervasive presence In Los Angeles is known to influence Bonzo Bob to the extent that Connelly’s Harry Bosch appeared in the Crais book The Last Detective. The mighty Connelly has, as many Crimeziners are no doubt aware, been sporting an impressive and luxuriant chin beard since early childhood. Coincidence?
So next time you are cruising Mulholland, have no fear. The jogger with the attack dogs is simply America’s greatest crime writer going about his beardly business. As for the pooches—they are easily fooled by the new look and have been extra obedient of late which is fortunate, because the steady rattle of Keep-the-noise-Down Craises typographical writing machine indicates that he is working hard on his latest book. Crimezine will keep you informed of developments.