Bonsoir Crimeziners, welcome to yet another gourmet experience, for tonight we invite celebrity gourmand and thriller writing legend Tom Clancy for a very exclusive feast of thrills, spills and rollercoaster histrionics at chi-chi eatery du jour Casa del Crimezine.
It certainly promises to be an occasion to remember. The wine list alone runs to an astonishing 1800 acronym filled pages. As one would expect, former Soviet wineries are well represented, as are classic boutique terroirs from fictional Chinese and Middle Eastern Appellations.
After much perusal of the list, Crimezine selected a vintage oak-aged FLOTUS with a C37-5 afterburner, as we understand it pairs particularly well with red meat and military clichés of every description.
The menu itself is a carefully crafted classic carte, boasting a fusion of culinary influences from such gastronomic masterworks as Jane’s All The Worlds Aircraft 12 volume 1983 edition; The Harold Robbins omnibus of bestselling books for boys and Aleksandr Isayevich Solzhenitsyn’s seminal seventies work on Soviet era nosh for overworked gulag moms on a budget—Damn Those Potato Loving Russkis, Damn Them.
Naturally, Crimezine opted for the chef recommended special tasting menu, a sumptuous affair of flavorful and earthy contrasts, specializing in the piquant Primavera flavors of new world opinion, matched with a cloying, almost buttery conservatism of old world tradition.
After being seated at our table, we were immediately treated to an executive order, of tantalizingly mouthwatering Storozhevoy vodka, mixed with a piquant and almost overwhelmingly cheeky sprinkling of Sabalin sauce, an unexpected treat, which proved too good to pass up.
This delicious amuse-bouche was immediately followed by a Brezhnev style mille-feuille of North Atlantic submarine croquettes, whose crisp crêpeishness was accentuated by a tart, intense, red sauce of endless complexity. This dish was fragrant, savory, and more than a little reminiscent of a Fricassé Das Boot with Alec Baldwin bouillon. Crimezine was as surprised, delighted and intensely puzzled by this gourmet feast as the first time we tried it, in the company of the Princess of Wales, at famous Marco Pierre White eaterie L’Escargot, London.
Next, the pre-main fish-dish consisted of a Court Bouillon of half-baked political opinion, folded lovingly into a savory stuffed crust of retro eighties moreishness. Such culinary delights present a clear and present danger of bloat, should they be consumed at one sitting, fortunately Crimezine is without remorse in whole heartedly recommending such culinary delicacies and we clearly owe a debt of honor to Chef Clancy in accentuating our palettes to his very unique and flavorful style of cooking.
Tonight’s main event came in the shape of a meltingly tender hand reared Entrecôte of unorganically farmed Bear and Dragon, garnished with six rainbow trout livers and the Chef’s famous Red Rabbit sauce. This classic dish was accompanied by a side of plump farm raised acronyms, cooked to perfection with a lightly braised order of seasonal bigotry.
Dessert was ably prepared by Sous Chef Mark Greaney and Patissier Grant Blackwood, presenting the kitchens much vaunted waffle surprise, an accomplished spécialité de la maison that has been widely described as a gooily-piquant crowd pleaser, both sinful and intensely chocolatey. This taste sensation was paired with a plane crash flambé so frightening it was accompanied by a brigade of fire Marshalls and a CNN news crew.
No meal is complete of course without a pungent cheese cart, and tonight Chef Clancy’s hand chosen selection of artisanal cheesiness, was offset by a large selection of unctuous and crumbly digressions, which provided an earthy and flavorful contrast to a dining experience that has been described by gourmands the world over, to be as intellectually complex as it is intestinally challenging.
A final mention must of course be made to the great Chef’s influence on younger purveyors of Nouvelle Cuisine, such as Vince Flynn and Brad Thor. Whilst the culinary skills of these younger Chefs is seen by many connoisseurs to be both thrilling and inventive, Crimezine feels that these pretenders to the Clancy throne rely rather too heavily on Middle Eastern dishes to be considered true masters of their art.
Naturally Crimezine tipped heavily, and fell asleep during the cab journey home, cuddling a signed copy of the Chef’s new culinary masterwork Command Authority, available to an ravenous public December 2013.
Crimezine notes: This piece was written before the untimely death of Tom Clancy. Widely regarded as the Marcel Proust of the High Concept Thriller, Tom Clancy was always as kind and generous in life as he was knowledgeable on the subjects he loved so much. He will be greatly missed. But his substantial body of work will remain as fitting tribute and as a remembrance of things past. Rest in peace Tom.