Ever wanted to see Cameron Diaz have sex with a Ferrari? You heard it right Crimeziners. Not on, or in, but actually with a Ferrari. No doubt there are parts of the interweb, where such dark fantasies can come true, but now thanks to Ridley Scott’s Crimetastic new movie The Counselor, based on the tale by Cormac “No Country for Old Men” McCarthy, we can all witness this edifying spectacle within the framework of a mainstream Hollywood movie. Hurrah!
So, we hear you ask, just how central to The Counselor story is this scene of Hollywood super-vixen Diaz squeegeeing the windshield of a sex on sex super car with her snatch? Not very central, but finally after many long years, it will ensure that the gorgeous Ms Diaz is no longer referred to, by the cinematic suffix—You know, that girl who got her bangs clagged with baby-batter in [the nineties Farrelly brothers romp], There’s Something About Mary.
So, who’s the lucky guy behind the steering wheel? The ludicrously coiffed Javier Bardem, who is upstaged throughout the film, by a wardrobe so gauche that a West Hollywood Hairdresser would consider it “overstated”. Not that Javier would mind, as he is real life hubbie of the film’s other swoon-some love-interest Penélope Cruz.
Ms Cruz is an awesome actress, but all she is required to do here is look doe-eyed and wobble her bottom lip occasionally. Shame.
But never fear Crimeziners, there are a bazillion other cameos in this marvelous movie of missing mullah, devious druggies and a crooked counselor, who is way too wet for his own good. Man of the moment Michael Fassbender is the aforementioned counselor, and poor Mikey is so “sensitive and vulnerable” throughout, he literally blubs in every scene; on one occasion so hard, that snot literally runs out his nose. In Crimezine’s humble opinion Mr. Scott should have cut in a scene where the wonderfully hard-nosed Ms Diaz comprehensively bitch-slaps the blubbing thesp. Sadly this did not happen.
What does happen, is a bunch of McCartheyesque dialogue so philosophical, poetic, and yes, on occasion mystifying, that one can see, straight out of the gate, why so many big name actors wanted to be in this movie. Crimezine love, love, loves Cormac McCarthy with his dark webs of philosophical intrigue, and this marvelous film valiantly attempts to honor the legend of the man. What we get is two hours of mystery, suspense and enigmatic verbosity that will undoubtedly leave the average guns and explosions cinemagoer scratching their heads.
Still, we know you want to see Ms. Diaz doing it with the Ferrari, and you will also want to witness some of the most goretastic demises you have seen since last weeks, Machete Kills. Decapitation? Check. Uzi-strafing antics? Check. Grizzly goings on—you got it. Which brings us to the subject of Brad Pitt. Brad looks marvelous in a cowboy hat throughout this movie, but one cannot help but think the Clooney chum and Crimezine confident has been erherm “piling on the pounds” of late. One cannot also help but feel that, in a similar way to Ms Cruz, his talent has been somewhat underutilized in this movie. Crimezine has no doubt however, that his part in the finale of The Counselor will stay with you almost as long as the image of Ms Diaz doing it with the Ferrari. Out this weekend. Go see it.