Ah, there you are Crimeziners. When was the last time you saw a really cult-tastic crime flick? A movie so trashy you wanted to ring John Waters up and wonder out loud why he doesn’t quit hitchhiking around the USA and make a really kick-ass crime film.
The good news is that Stretch is just such a movie. Packed with car chases and crazy cameos this b-movie crime romp has bar-rooms buzzing. Think Crank, Transporter, Collateral—take twenty-million-dollars off the production budget and you have Stretch.
The movie features Patrick Wilson as off-the-rails limo driver Stretch, whose career as a failed actor and inveterate gambler have led him into debt with a crew of bad assed gangsters with generically thick, You no pay I killl youuu, type accents.
Naturally, Stretch has to up his game. A year clean of booze and drugs, after his shallow squeeze Candice dumps him for the starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns, and the pressures are piling in for the hapless limo tout. His boss hates him; the competition are out to get him and his asshole clients are —just insane.
Meet David “Baywatch” Hasselhoff, in a hilarious cameo that trumps his performance in the aforementioned Waters film, A Dirty Shame. The Hoffster plays a self-obsessed uber-self who just won’t shut up. So bad it is goooood baby.
Surely it couldn’t get any worse? Ray Liotta—proves us wrong—turning up to play a nasty parody version of himself, as actor, as gangster, as tight-tipping nightmare client, who whooops leaves his gun in the limo. It does beg the question however—Liotta—is he in every low-budget crime movie these days?
The ante is upped when Stretches limo guru buddy messily shoots himself in the head, then returns from the dead to offer mocking advice on Stretches life failings and his lack of success in paying the gangsters back.
Just when it looks like Stretch will be gunned down by the debt collectors, a new client Karos [Chris Pine] literally parachutes naked from the skies. With his wildman vagrant beard, big bag of cocaine and penchant for bad craziness of every kind, you just know that both the limo and Stretch are going to acquire the kind of damage that won’t buff-out at the drive thru valet service.
It is of course all very silly; the sort of movie that causes aficionados of “serious cinema” to break out in hives. But we don’t worry too much about them, do we Crimeziners? Such people are far too busy whining about the horrible ending of Affleck flick Gone Girl to catch a film like Stretch. Too bad for them eh?