Crimezine investigates I am Death by Chris Carter

Ah! Thank goodness you are here Crimeziners! There has been a veritable crimewave frenzy on Mulholland Drive this week! First, there was the now infamous lawn sprinkler incident over at Postman Always Rings Twice star, Jack Nicholson’s residence. Crimezine was not party to the inciting incident—but, according to local dogwalker/Cesar Milan look-a-likkeeee and Edgar Award-winning Crime poobah, Bonzo Bob Crais, it all started with an innocent delivery—

Unfortunately, delivering to the Nicholson residence is fraught with danger at the best of times. The Prizzi’s Honor star is well known locally for his large collection of military paraphernalia and armored vehicles—an obsession which has lead to several run-ins with real-estate leafleteers, xmas carolers, and the portly, super-annuated members of the West Hollywood Chamber of Commerce.

I am Death: The latest splatter platter from Crime Kingpin Chris Carter

According to Bonzo Bob, things kicked off big time when the parcel delivery dude got spritzed in the crotch area by an ill-timed burst of the Acadamy Award winning thesps rain-bird super soakers. Natch, the Missouri Breaks star rushed out directly, and the ensuing altercation resulted in the hapless delivery dude being Medivaced to a Cedar’s Sinai Proctologist, so that he might have several airmail packages and a full set of Augusta National match-play golf clubs removed from his alimentary canal.

Thoroughly shocking, we are sure you will agree. Then, of course, there were the murders—thirty or more, at last count—that’s so LA, right?

First off, there was the local babysitter: nice girl, so we understand, generic blonde college student studying to be a lawyer or doctor or something like that. Apparently no one really got to know her before she was brutally abducted and murdered by a “savage psychopathic home-invasion serial predator” There is a lot of it about these days. The Mulholland Drive Neighborhood Watch Association has petitioned the local authorities countless times to erect signs warning of such dangers—but still no action, what do you do?

Sadly, the aforementioned nanny/ babysitter/childminder, or whatever, was found at a generic murder scene over at LAX in a “fully naked” pose reminiscent of some pseudo-satanic pulp novel, with Thomas Harris style touches added to give those hopeless hacks in the LAPD ACRONYM unit some kind of chance of finding the perpetrator.

Crimezine was suspicious right away, of course. Who would do such a thing? Murder an innocent young woman, then transport her halfway across town, through the gridlocked streets and freeways of America’s busiest city, so that they could arrange the satanically defiled corpse in a “grass field” adjacent to the 24 hr traffic and law enforcement Hades that is Los Angeles International Airport?

Luckily, Detective Robert Hunter and trusty sidekick Garcia are the brainbox Holmes and Watson of the LAPD ACRONYM Unit. Phew, thank goodness for that Crimeziners, because frankly, Hieronymus Harry Bosch is getting a little long in the tooth for such cases these days. Especially now that he has been admitted to the Twilight-years-senior rest home for done-to-death crime protagonists.

But back to the case in hand: I Am Death is, as the title suggests, a dripping paper bag of anatomically correct ghoulishness. There is a schizophrenic tip of the hat to all the bowl-churning big-hitters of the genre—from the aforementioned Harris, to Cornwell, Reichs, Nesbo and many, many more. Aspirational author blah mentions Jeff Deaver, but Chris Carter is definitely on the nouveau edge of the crime-writing mainstream. So buckle on your gore-proof plastic wind-cheater, you will need it.

I am Death is Carter’s seventh book, and his reputation for visceral excitement is steadily building, but it appears marketeers are having trouble defining who the author is. Almost apologetically they describe him as a former criminal psychologist who ran away to LA to become a “bandana wearing rock guitarist”, before returning to London, England weeks/months/years later, to settle down to the serious business of writing crime fiction.

Clearly, Chris is more “heavy metal” than a night out with Gene Simmons’ flamethrower codpiece, although you would never know from the rather coy author photo that is provided with his publicity material. One wonders why it is so essential for authors to be “interesting” these days, especially when their writing is as fast-revvingly frenetic as Carter’s. There are burred edges to the language certainly—clanging Limeyisms that need to be eradicated by a good American Editor. But, for lovers of the high-octane police procedural, injected with the squealing splatter of power tools on human flesh, Chris Carter is the man to watch.

Crimezine cops The Promise, by Robert Crais

Bonzo Bob Crais: America’s greatest detective writer

Crimezine neighbor Bonzo Bob Crais is without question Mulholland Drive’s favorite crime writer come dog walker. The New York Times best selling author and Olympic level BBQer is a legend, not only in the City of Angels but in Crimezine community at large.

It is with great pleasure therefore that Crimezine can announce that the Crais silent- writer—that marvelous machine that fills the Mulholland night with the mellifluous music of mystery— has fallen quiet once again, heralding the arrival of The Promise, the latest installment of the Elvis Cole Saga.

Times have changed considerably since the original 1987 outing of the wise-cracking private eye, in the gloriously named The Monkey’s Raincoat and in the ensuing years Bonzo Bob has been collecting literary gongs faster than a Hollywood traffic cop can dole out parking violations. As the years zip past, the unfeasibly monikered Elvis has come up against just about every kind of criminal conspirator you could name and a few more besides.

Some things remain reassuringly constant however: the grumpy cat, the A-frame house, Falstaff beer and the glittering backdrop of the city of Los Angeles. No one writes about LA like the Craisy one, apart from Raymond Chandler or Crimezines favorite Floridian, the awesome Conners.

Yes, the characteristic Cole wise cracks have been missing in recent years, but readers can be assured they are back in The Promise; a turn of events that has had Mulholland residents cheering in the street.

So what of the plot we hear you ask? Well, there is the nasty Mr. Rollins, a nice lady whose son has been killed and a terrorist bomb plot of the kind that would have the NCIS crew soiling their jockey shorts.

Then on page 76 Joe Pike turns up. He is wearing sunglasses. His lip coils very slightly, but he says nothing. Cole fans go ballistic. Mulholland neighborhood watchers start howling at the moon. Pike is of course the taciturn Yang to Cole’s ebullient Ying and has been for many a long year—since the Vietnam days in fact.

Vietnam? The calculations swirl. Yes, that is right Crimeziners, Cole and Pike are the same age as legendary Connelly creation Hieronymus Harry Bosch; the LAPD veteran who wheezed and stooped arthritically into retirement some years ago. No doubt Harry has many mysteries yet to solve from the comfort of his bath chair. But so do Cole and Pike, because they are now ably assisted by thirty-something Delta force whipper-snapper Jon Stone.

Jon likes guns and technology. He does the stuff the old timers can’t figure, like program the video machine—[Surely video stream from the internet?—Ed] You get the picture. Pike, Cole and Stone are like the Larry, Moe, and Curly-Joe of Crime fiction—

NYUK—Cole drops gags and gets into terrible trouble.
CLANG—Pike screeches up in the red jeep.
SPROING—Stone pulls open trunk full of military grade weapons.

Carnage ensues.

It is a wonder bad guys bother coming to Los Angeles at all these days—they really don’t stand a chance.

It is entertaining stuff of course. The goofball camaraderie and set-piece histrionics never fail to delight. Crais is a master storyteller, whose ligature tight prose never pulls out of the fast lane. It must also be mentioned that The Promise sees a very welcome guest appearance from LAPD dog handler Scott James and his K9 companion Maggie; stars of the awesome Crais standalone novel Suspect. A book that had Crimezine cocktail wrangler Consuela quite literally sobbing into her Chablis. We are Pack Crimeziners. We are Pack.

Bonzo Bob Crais is without doubt America’s greatest detective writer. Get Craisy, Get The Promise. Tell them Crimezine sent you.

Robert Crais has new standalone novel Suspect awaiting publication

Robert Crais: Suspect

Crimezine favorite Robert, hop along, Crais has, we are pleased to report completed his latest crime masterwork. Entitled Suspect, the book introduces two new characters, Scott an LAPD officer, who’s partner has been murdered and Maggie a USMC patrol dog who lost her handler in Afghanistan.

Scott and Maggie join forces as an LAPD K9 team. Considered damaged goods by colleagues Scott and Maggie have no one but each other, and develop an intense friendship where they both learn to love and trust again. As the relationship builds between man and dog, the two unlikely heros set about discovering who murdered Scott’s partner Stephanie.

Crais’s previous standalone works Demolition Angel, and Hostage, which was made into a movie staring Bruce Willis, were both excellent, and the great man has obviously been listening to Crimezines neighborly advice to take a break from the Elvis Cole Saga. Speaking of which, Crimeziners who have been hesitant to read the Joe Pike novels First Rule and Sentry should head to the book shop now, as they are both winners and offer fascinating new insights to Joe Pike and his relationship with Elvis Cole. Cole fans will be pleased to know that LA’s most jocular Private Eye features heavily in both books—from a third person viewpoint, which is offers a whole new perspective on the Cole/Pike saga.

Regular Crimeziners will not be surprised that Crais has finally succumbed to the temptation to release a dog related book. Often mistaken on Mulholland Drive, for pooch whisperer Cesar Millan, Bonzo Bob can regularly be seen pounding the pavement, followed by his pack of slavering attack dogs.  A sight that has become rarer of late due to the infamous twisted tootsie incident—which Crimezine has reported on at length in previous postings.

We can assure you that Bob is on the mend now and is looking forward to the release of  Suspectin January 2013.

Robert Crais: A dogs best friend…

Crimezine Exclusive: Crais foot injury latest

Robo-Crais puts his mutilated foot on the famous desk

As Crimezine reported exclusively last week, Mulholland resident Robert Keep the noise down Crais was horribly injured in a dog walking accident of frankly staggering proportions. Doctors have described the injury as: a twisted tootsie, with tenderized tendon torqueing.

Crimezine has been literally inundated with get well soon messages, wishing America’s Greatest living Detective writer a speedy recovery. By way of a thank you Bob has forwarded us yet another photo of the hideous injury: Behold, a giant Robo-Cop style foot cast, that looks suspiciously like a ski boot.

Eagle-eyed Crimeziners will notice that Crais has ‘humorously’ adorned the Robo-Boot with a Joe Pike style red Arrow. Note also the strategically placed crutches.

Craisies everywhere will be delighted to hear that Bob will be up and about in a few short weeks: no doubt charging around the neighborhood in his skin tight lycra-jogging wear as per usual.

Even neighborhood grouch Jack Nicholson is missing Bonzo Bob and his pack of slavering attack dogs. You seen that guy who looks like Cesar Milan the Prizzi’s Honor star inquired of Crimezine at a recent neighborhood watch meeting. Indeed we have sir, watch this space for further updates.

 

Crimezine Exclusive: Robert Crais hospitalized with dog walking injury.

Crais: injury not life threatening

Many on Mulholland are blaming Crimezine for local hero, Robert Crais’s recent hospitalization. Word is that our revelations regarding America’s greatest living detective writer and his spooky resemblance to Latino Pooch trainer Cesar Milan have caused an earlier than usual start to Craisie season.

As regular Crimeziners will no doubt know the Craisies are a rabid group of Crais fans who swarm in their thousands to Mulholland Drive each year, in devout pilgrimage to their crime writing hero. Apparently this has been too much for the billionaire author, who has until recently been able to avoid the adoring hordes on his nimble footed forays into the Santa Monica Mountains, with his attendant pack of attack dogs.

Unfortunately despite the “boyish” [©People magazine] publicity pictures, Bonzo Bob is not as young as he used to be, and he took a nasty tumble yesterday while avoiding a gaggle of autograph hunters.

Fortunately nothing was broken, except the hearts of the tearful fans who witnessed this harrowing incident.

Bob was stretchered off the mountain-side by an elite team of LA’s finest search and rescue professionals and is now recovering at home, reciting “I nearly died out there,” anecdotes to anyone who will listen.

Crimezine has, of course, sent an “amusing” get well soon note and a half eaten box of See’s Candy around to Chateau Crais by way of consolation. And in return we are pleased to report that the feverish tippity-tap of Crais’s typographical silent writer has been even more pronounced than usual.

Expect a new installment of the Cole & Pike Saga sooner than previously advertised.

Crimezine solves a mystery on Mulholland Drive: Amazing Lookalikes, Cesar Milan and Robert Crais separated at birth?

Cesar Milan (Left) and Robert Crais

Confusion reins on Mulholland Drive Crimeziners and I think you can see why.

Cesar Milan doppelganger Robert Crais has been alarming members of the neighborhood watch community, by sprouting a for-goodness-sake-cut-it-off chin beard. The facial fungus has resulted in an exponential increase in Cesar Milan sightings in the neighborhood and the Crimezine neighborhood watch hotline has quite literally been ringing off the hook.

Regular Crimezine readers will no doubt know that Pooch fancier Crais is fond of pounding the Mulholland neighborhood in skin-tight lycra jogging gear accompanied by his giant pack of slavering attack dogs, an act that has caused raised pulses amongst many of the areas more elderly residents, including Octogenarian thesp’ Jack Nicholson.

Mr. Nicholson has, like many seniors, in the area got one eye firmly on local property values and has expressed grave concerns that a “glorified dog trainer” might have moved into the area without the approval of neighborhood nabobs. The Witches of Eastwick star was much placated when Crimezine assured him that Milan has, according to recently revealed court documents, a personal wealth in excess of $45 million. The One flew over the Cuckoo’s nest star did however point out that $45 million is veritable pocket change, when compared to the untold wealth of billionaire author Crais, who’s latest book Taken has been topping the Best-Seller lists for literally months on end.

Crimezine blames Michael Connelly of course, who’s all pervasive presence In Los Angeles is known to influence Bonzo Bob to the extent that Connelly’s Harry Bosch appeared in the Crais book The Last Detective. The mighty Connelly has, as many Crimeziners are no doubt aware, been sporting an impressive and luxuriant chin beard since early childhood. Coincidence?

So next time you are cruising Mulholland, have no fear. The jogger with the attack dogs is simply America’s greatest crime writer going about his beardly business. As for the pooches—they are easily fooled by the new look and have been extra obedient of late which is fortunate, because the steady rattle of Keep-the-noise-Down Craises typographical writing machine indicates that he is working hard on his latest book. Crimezine will keep you informed of developments.

Mulholland Drive mourns, as Soul Train creator, Dapper Don Cornelius, checks out of Funky Town with a .45 calibre finale.

Dapper Don Cornelius

Flags, like our flared trousers, are hanging half mast this week Crimeziners, as Mulholland friend and neighbor Dapper Don Cornelius the godfather of groove-tastic Seventies music show Soul Train chose to shoot himself, rather than dwell on the pain of divorce and debilitating ill health, which has plagued him for many years.

Don is the man who launched a thousand music careers, a myriad funky dance moves and some of the most ludicrous fashion crazes popular culture has ever encountered. We love you Don, your legacy lives on.

Speaking of neighbors, Curtain-twitching Crimeziner and colossus of Crime Fiction Robert keep the noise down Crais is back in town, after a trip to Mystery One Bookshop in Wisconsin, where he no doubt inflicted his cheeky-chappie persona (and garish taste in socks) on local crime fans. Crais is currently promoting his latest Cole & Pike bestseller, Taken.

Thankfully Bonzo Bob is now safely back in Los Angeles, where he will be making a ‘grueling’ series of public appearances this weekend at Mysterious Galaxy Redondo Beach [2/5/12] followed by Book Carnival on Tustin Av, Saturday, and Mysteries to Die For on Thousand Oaks Boulevard Sunday. No sulking out of towners Bob is like Santa Claus and he will get to all of you eventually.

Lastly a word of cheer. St Albans State Prison has an inmate run print shop where all manner of naughty shenanigans have been occurring. The trouble started when Vermont State Police put in a decal order for their Police cruisers.

The Vermont State Police emblem is a colorful affair featuring, among other things, a jolly spotted cow standing in a lusciously verdant pasture. How nice! Vermont is after all the Green Mountain State.

Pig Cow

Unfortunately for the State Police, one of the prisoners in the print shop decided to subtly alter the image of the cow, so that one of cow’s splotchy patches became a pig. Apparently this tomfoolery will cost an astonishing $780 to put right and the lags in the prison print shop will have to foot the bill.

Crimezine thinks the dumb ass in county hall who thought up the idea of convicts decorating cop cars should pay. Although we are sure the state legislature could collect many times this figure to actually keep the ‘new’ logo.

As always in parting, Crimezine & Don Cornelius wish you Love, Peace and Soul.

Holy Cadavers Batman! Mulholland Neighborhood Watch tables meeting, as severed head and human body parts litter the neighborhood.

Cesar Millan look-alike Crais—The one in the sunglasses

As Crimezine was enjoying a particularly refreshing three-fingered glass of breakfast Cognac by the pool this morning who should poke his head through the Ferrari sized hole in our electrified perimeter fence, but neighborhood curtain twitcher and crime-writing Uber-Mensch. Robert Keep the Noise downCrais.

Crais has been uncharacteristically chipper of late and today was no exception, as his latest Cole and Pike tome Taken is riding high in the Best Seller charts. Which is all very well, but the neighborhood watch hotline in Crimezine HQ has been ringing off the hook once again, with gruesome tales of death and dismemberment.

Worse still, Crimezine has heard disturbing reports that the #1best selling author has been heard “singing”the Ozzy Ozbourne “hit” Craisie Train, (going off the rails) as he runs up Mulholland Drive in his skin-tight lycra leisure wear, with his pack of slavering attack dogs in close formation around him.

Eyebrows have been well and truly raised in the neighborhood, let me tell you, why only the other day, neighborhood grouch Jack Nicholson [who’s eyebrows are permanently raised] complained to Crimezine that TV pooch whisperer Cesar Millan had moved into the neighborhood, and what the hell were we going to do about it?

It took a great dial of liaising with Mulholland community cop Sgt Lex Polański and other neighborhood poobahs such as irascible Lahorei Liquor store proprietor Pervez Parania, before Crimezine was able to establish that the shortsighted Chinatown star and #1 Lakers fan Nicholson, was in fact referring to Craisie-train Crais, panting up the hillside with his attendant pack of canine compadres.

Naturally Crimezine sympathized with the Witches of Eastwick star, over what must have been a very traumatic experience for a sensitive thesp’ of his advancing years.

Which brings us neatly back to the news that curtain twitcher Crais was so eager to impart. Apparently one of his dog walking chumettes became the unwitting recipient of an early Halloween gift the other day, when her proud pooch retrieved a human head from the bushes on the Bronson Canyon dog walking trail. Yikes!

Further investigation revealed matching hands and feet, though the location of the rest of the zombified coyote meat is still something of a mystery. The area is known locally as the Bat cave, due to it’s fleeting appearance in the Batman series. It is a spooky locale for sure and you certainly wouldn’t want to pay it a visit on a Dark Knight [geddit?].

According to LAPD the gruesome body parts belong to unfortunate former airline steward Hervey Medellin. Naturally a second Cognac was called for as Crimzine and Crais bravely watched Armando the Guatemalan pool boy crane out yet another wrecked car from the deep end of Crimezines swimming pool. It is quite literally Murder living on Mulholland Drive.

Mulholland neighborhood watch has a Crimezine Christmas tempest.

James Patterson: Lifting the spirits of children

It has been a busy week on Mulholland Drive Crimeziners. The hurricane force winds that have been battering Los Angeles have caused siren blaring chaos on a city-wide scale, but nowhere has the whirlwind of damage and trauma been more keenly felt than on Mulholland Drive.

The streets most cantankerous senior Jack Nicholson has had his entire Christmas display blown from his roof, and we are not talking just flashing lights and a couple of amusing snow men here. The Chinatown star had a life sized Santa and Sleigh nailed to the eves, along with a full team of plastic glow in the dark reindeer.

When the tempest took the Nicholson display airborne, disappointed children from as far away as Pasadena jammed the switchboards at local news stations with reports that Santa Claus was on his way, before they had chance to compose their finely detailed demands for consumer durables and place the traditional ‘carrot for Rudolph’ under their collective Christmas trees. Sob!

Spectacular though it was seeing the Nicholson display soar into the Hollyweird night, along with various car crushing eucalyptus trees and an assorted selection of Jennifer Aniston’s lawn furniture, Crimezine is chastened at the thought of so many tiny tear stained pillows.

We can confirm however that James Patterson will be making the rounds of local Xmas Grotto’s dressed in full Santa garb to lift the spirits of the little ones, by doling out free copies of his latest festive book The Christmas Wedding.

Crimezine would obviously prefer some carcinogenic Chinese candy and a 10 cent plastic toy same as usual, but apparently it is not possible to cater to all ages and tastes at such events.

Meanwhile Crimezine has spent the past days retrieving Christmas decorations and lawn furniture from  all over Hollywood.  Witches of Eastwick star Nicholson  has promised to take us to the Patterson grotto in his newly acquired WWII German half-track, which has lifted our storm ravaged spirits immeasurably.

We fear however that the neighborhood watch will be writing a strongly worded letter of rebuke to the Postman Always Rings Twice star  as he has been warned about stockpiling military vehicles in his front yard on a number of occasions.

Mulholland Neighborhood watch tables an emergency Thanksgiving meeting, after complaints of Cretan folk dancing and reedy bouzouki music at the Jenifer Aniston Residence. Crimezines phone rings of the hook.

Thanksgiving in the Hollywood Hills and the euphonious tones of honking accordians and reedy Greek Bouzouki music are ringing out across Mullholland Drive.

Harken to the smash of plates and the musical lilt of Cretan folk dancing. Yes, voracious man vortex Jennifer Aniston is having yet another of her raucous parties, and her famous tractor beam charms are sucking in Hollywood Himbos from a tri county area. As you will imagine, parking on Mulholland, is even more dreadful than usual.

Bouzouki Menace on Mulholland

Crimezine understands from Mulholland’s irascible Lahori Liquor store proprietor Pervez Parania, that Aniston chums Matt le Blanc and Matthew Perry are visiting for the holidays, a report borne out, by the fact the shelves at the Lahori Liquor mart have been completely stripped of smooth-sippin’ Jack Daniels whiskey and all varieties Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream, which has been a major inconvenience for local residents this holiday weekend.

As Crimeziners will imagine when the Anastasakis clan are partying hearty next door, the neighborhood watch phone in Crimezine head quarters rings off the hook as a matter of course.

Robert, Keep the noise down Crais was the first to log a complaint, According to an irate message on our answer phone, the world’s greatest living crime writer was too stuffed with turkey and pumpkin pie to slip into his Lycra jogging gear and drop over for crisis talks and aperitifs,

Which is fortunate, or we would never have heard the end of it.

Meanwhile, neighborhood grouch Jack Nicholson, frustrated by the lack of Lakerly action at Staples Centre is out of town at the moment. Reports that he has been seen pepper spraying shoppers during an orgiastic Black Friday shopping spree, are unsubstantiated.

Neighborhood watch liaison Sgt Lex Polański of LAPD has tabled an emergency meeting of Neighborhood leaders, but unfortunately due to “deep, deep, discounts” at Bed Bath and Beyond this weekend, the required quorum for an emergency meeting could not be raised.

Crimezine resolved to send a over a gallon of ouzo and a dozen Domino’s Deep feast Feta cheese and hummus pizzas to Rancho Anastasakis and noticed with satisfaction, that the raucous barrage of Bazouki music tailed off considerably.