Posts Tagged ‘Neighborhood Watch’

Crimezine Patterson Arrested

James Patterson: Lifting the spirits of children

It has been a busy week on Mulholland Drive Crimeziners. The hurricane force winds that have been battering Los Angeles have caused siren blaring chaos on a city-wide scale, but nowhere has the whirlwind of damage and trauma been more keenly felt than on Mulholland Drive.

The streets most cantankerous senior Jack Nicholson has had his entire Christmas display blown from his roof, and we are not talking just flashing lights and a couple of amusing snow men here. The Chinatown star had a life sized Santa and Sleigh nailed to the eves, along with a full team of plastic glow in the dark reindeer.

When the tempest took the Nicholson display airborne, disappointed children from as far away as Pasadena jammed the switchboards at local news stations with reports that Santa Claus was on his way, before they had chance to compose their finely detailed demands for consumer durables and place the traditional ‘carrot for Rudolph’ under their collective Christmas trees. Sob!

Spectacular though it was seeing the Nicholson display soar into the Hollyweird night, along with various car crushing eucalyptus trees and an assorted selection of Jennifer Aniston’s lawn furniture, Crimezine is chastened at the thought of so many tiny tear stained pillows.

We can confirm however that James Patterson will be making the rounds of local Xmas Grotto’s dressed in full Santa garb to lift the spirits of the little ones, by doling out free copies of his latest festive book The Christmas Wedding.

Crimezine would obviously prefer some carcinogenic Chinese candy and a 10 cent plastic toy same as usual, but apparently it is not possible to cater to all ages and tastes at such events.

Meanwhile Crimezine has spent the past days retrieving Christmas decorations and lawn furniture from  all over Hollywood.  Witches of Eastwick star Nicholson  has promised to take us to the Patterson grotto in his newly acquired WWII German half-track, which has lifted our storm ravaged spirits immeasurably.

We fear however that the neighborhood watch will be writing a strongly worded letter of rebuke to the Postman Always Rings Twice star  as he has been warned about stockpiling military vehicles in his front yard on a number of occasions.

Thanksgiving in the Hollywood Hills and the euphonious tones of honking accordians and reedy Greek Bouzouki music are ringing out across Mullholland Drive.

Harken to the smash of plates and the musical lilt of Cretan folk dancing. Yes, voracious man vortex Jennifer Aniston is having yet another of her raucous parties, and her famous tractor beam charms are sucking in Hollywood Himbos from a tri county area. As you will imagine, parking on Mulholland, is even more dreadful than usual.

Crimezine-Mulholland Drive neighborhood- watch-

Bouzouki Menace on Mulholland

Crimezine understands from Mulholland’s irascible Lahori Liquor store proprietor Pervez Parania, that Aniston chums Matt le Blanc and Matthew Perry are visiting for the holidays, a report borne out, by the fact the shelves at the Lahori Liquor mart have been completely stripped of smooth-sippin’ Jack Daniels whiskey and all varieties Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream, which has been a major inconvenience for local residents this holiday weekend.

As Crimeziners will imagine when the Anastasakis clan are partying hearty next door, the neighborhood watch phone in Crimezine head quarters rings off the hook as a matter of course.

Robert, Keep the noise down Crais was the first to log a complaint, According to an irate message on our answer phone, the world’s greatest living crime writer was too stuffed with turkey and pumpkin pie to slip into his Lycra jogging gear and drop over for crisis talks and aperitifs,

Which is fortunate, or we would never have heard the end of it.

Meanwhile, neighborhood grouch Jack Nicholson, frustrated by the lack of Lakerly action at Staples Centre is out of town at the moment. Reports that he has been seen pepper spraying shoppers during an orgiastic Black Friday shopping spree, are unsubstantiated.

Neighborhood watch liaison Sgt Lex Polański of LAPD has tabled an emergency meeting of Neighborhood leaders, but unfortunately due to “deep, deep, discounts” at Bed Bath and Beyond this weekend, the required quorum for an emergency meeting could not be raised.

Crimezine resolved to send a over a gallon of ouzo and a dozen Domino’s Deep feast Feta cheese and hummus pizzas to Rancho Anastasakis and noticed with satisfaction, that the raucous barrage of Bazouki music tailed off considerably.

Crimezine Mulholland drive

Mulholland drive: watch out for Crimezines swimming pool ladies

Swimming pools: the ultimate status symbol. Or so one would suppose if you you live in the frost gorged nether reaches of our climatically challenged planet. The ugly truth at this weeks Mulholland Neighborhood Watch meeting, revealed a quite different picture.

Nestling, in the  Santa Monica Mountains overlooking Mulholland Drive and the glittering vista that is Hollywood, lies Crimezine HQ, the one stop shop for the myriad gripes of West LA’s most embattled residents. The Mulholland Neighboorhod Watch.

The usual vociferous suspects were in attendance at this weeks meeting: Robert, ‘keep the noise down’ Crais, tut-tuting as usual about the volume of the Crimezine stereo system. Also in attendance #1 Lakers fan and neighborhood grouch, Jack Nicholson, complaining this week about the double parked jam of cars outside the Aniston residence.

One assumes this was due to the unusually high number of ‘gentlemen callers’ the screeching rom-commer has been entertaining lately, although the wraith-like Justin Theroux has been spotted shambling around the neighborhood, looking like a ragged trick or treater, so one presumes there is still hope for Mulholland’s love match of the year. Local cynics have suggested that Theroux is only dating Mulholland’s most famous female resident, so he can remind himself of his past glories in David ‘out of space’ Lynch’s 2001 art house flick Mulholland Drive.

Crimezine is skeptical, as one fingered typist Theroux has been tippy-tap-taping out the screenplay for upcoming movie Rock of Ages to help out the large team of experienced writers already assigned to the project. The sallow faced thesp’ was unavailable for comment, but local gossip mongers should be aware that the actor has been ‘busy’ staring in such cinematic classics as Zoolander and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. So there.

Still, the swimming pool problem has been the most pressing one on Mulholland Drive this week.

Of course, actually swimming in ones pool is so unmentionably vulgar and passé that almost no one does it in Los Angeles these days, unless they have fallen into it, in a state of abject drunkeness, or they are an out of towner, looking to hide their ghastly and inappropriate choice of poolside attire.

Crimezine uses it’s swimming pool to collect  garbage, broken shopping carts and dead animals, that would other wise make the neighborhood untidy. A service that has earned frequent plaudits at Neighborhood Watch meetings. In recent weeks however, a disturbing number of booze addled starlets have been crashing their overpriced automobiles into the deep end of our pool.

We assumed that once Lindsay Lohan was safely ensconced in her new job at LA County Morgue, the high speed antics on Mulholland would cease. How wrong we were. This week alone we have craned out two Porsches, a Maserati and a Mercedes SL550. While we approve whole heartedly of overpriced super car ownership by West Hollywood’s most gormless teenagers, Crimezine would respectfully like to remind residents that the speed limit on Mulholland is 35mph. So keep the speed down bucko, and the noise too.

Contact Mulholland Neighborhood watch at